So you know that picture of Julie Andrew’s spinning in the Swiss Alps among the vibrant green fields and the mountains?
That was pretty much me leaving the sex shop the other day almost a hundred and fifty dollars poorer, but excited about making what is clearly an investment in my own sexuality. We are comfortably into 2017. I turn 27 in just a couple of months and I decided having sex and not trying to understand the sensation is officially corny shit.
Having sex with guys who kinda don’t know what they’re doing or how they enjoy their own sexual experiences is officially corny shit.
Having sex with guys whose primary understanding of sex comes from pornhub videos is officially corny shit.
We don’t do corny shit anymore in 2017. We leaving corny shit behind with the electoral college process, right in 2016 where it belongs, forever.
Guys that don’t know how to communicate what they want sexually, that’s corny shirt.
Guys that think penetration includes shoving your boys parts as far into another human being as possible, that’s corny shit. It’s also anatomically a terrible idea.
Deciding that you’re going to be the partner who tops and I’m going to be the receiver JUST because you think you act more masculine is corny shit.
Saying you don’t like being eaten out because you prefer to top is corny shit. I’d argue it’s the CORNIEST shit. It’s 2017. Relax. Get your booty eaten out. It’s all good. I think no less of you.
NOT BEING HONEST ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL EXPERIENCE IS CORNY SHIT. If you’re new to trying something, it’s totally fine to admit you have NO IDEA what a new position, a new place of stimulation or a new dynamic feels like. In fact, get this: NOT knowing could make the experience more exciting. And in the time you’re pretending you’ve done it all, you could just as easily be enjoying the experience of trying something completely new.
Acting like sex and love for another person are synonymous is corny shit. They’re different. They’re extremely different. I’d argue that they don’t even live in the same neighborhood. Acting like we’re going to keep having sex until we fall in love will TRULY and ONLY set yourself up for disappointment in your own life, and I have nothing to do with that. I’m clear upfront. Sex involves sensation, stimulation, I’m not PARTICULARLY sure love for another person makes sex any better or worse. Plenty of people love each other and don’t have great or regular sex. I have had PHENOMENAL sex with men whose names I can’t quite remember. I’ve had bad sex with men I’ve sworn myself to.
Telling me there’s no sex without love is like saying The Number 7 is only good with scrambled eggs. Please, beloved; Leave that corny shit behind.
I left that sex shop with a new determination. It’s 2017. I’m ready to get uncompromising with understanding how my body registers pleasure
And at the ABSOLUTE least, I want to get to the end of a sexual experience and not think about all the things I could have written in that time.